I forget how much stuff is in my head until I have a minute to sit down and think it all through. To reason with myself, then over analyse it. I mean half the time I don’t even care how I come across, as long as I roughly know the reason WHY I do the things I do. And I realize how vague and cryptic this post is, but right now I’m just needing somewhere to think out loud for awhile.
Was wearing a size 12 jumper yesterday. Can’t remember the last time I looked at a 12 never mind buy and wear it :) And today my size 16 jeans were falling off after taking 2 steps,I definitely need to buy more size 14s, as proud as I was it was pretty awkward having to pull them up every few seconds.
It’s the little things like that, that make the effort worthwhile. I’ve been on my healthy eating plan since Thursday and it’s going well. I’m eating breakfast everyday, snacking on cereal bars and yogurt instead of shit and enjoying counting my calories and knowing exactly what i’m eating.
I’ve got a long way to go but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
This is the official start of the weight loss/new Colleen update blogs.
Before people (if any read this) start worrying about me whining about being fat every day then this is not what i’m blogging about at all. And no I’m not fishing for compliments. I am over weight.FACT. In fact according to medical charts I’m probably nearing obese, I’m way too short to weigh this much.
And no I don’t hate myself or have zero confidence. I like myself, there’s just too much of me to like xD I want to be able to wear what I want without worrying how it will look, to be able to walk into a store and know something will easily fit me, to be a slighter skinnier, more toned, but equally awesome version of what I am now ;) I’m not asking to achieve the impossible and wake up tomorrow a size 8.
At one point I was wearing a size 16 or 18 and weighed over 13 stone.
And today I can proudly announce that I’ve lost another 4 pounds.And am currently sitting at a large size14, weighing about 11 stone 5 pounds.
I’ve got roughly another 2 sessions with my dietician (one every 3 months) and I hope that by the end I’ll have made her proud too.
I’ve got all these thoughts and ideas rambling through my head, so to prevent me from going crazy and to stop abandoning my tumblr. I am going to become a regular blogger again.
At the moment, my biggest goal is to stay happy and since weight loss is tied in with that - it looks like we’re getting serious about getting healthy, again. And while the very few followers I have probably won’t want to hear me talk shit about calories and dress sizes I don’t really care :) For the next little while that’s the main posts y’all be getting.
“Panting, Harry fell forwards over the hydrangea bush, straightened up and stared around. There were several faces peering through various nearby windows. Harry stuffed his willy hastily back into his jeans and tried to look innocent.”
everyone who reblogs this before the 11th of January will get a little drawing representing their URL it might be a literal thing or just my take on it. I will submit it to you as soon as but you will get it no matter how many notes this gets.
If you reblog this before May 16 2013, I will write your URL down and stick it in a jar or whatever. Over the summer I will take the jar of URL’s and I will scatter them around. They may get taped to public loos, they may be thrown into crowds at festivals, or they may get put under napkins at restaurants.
Some one may find your URL, and who knows, they could message you telling you where they found it.
I’d like to post a quick reply to all those people who slate the work of Invisible Children.
Okay, yes, the video was pure propaganda. But surely that was the point? You don’t get support for a cause by posting a news reel. Making a dramatic video like that was necessary to catch the attention of…
Thank fuck someone gets it. Everyone else are being twats about it, all ”Oh shit we could feel compassion *effort*”
The last little while, I’ve been relatively happy except for the usual hating on college. I’ve got back into my painting and am still decent at it, I’ve been writing a little, reading more and generally doing the things I love. I’ve been chatting to amazing people, talk pretty regular with Deuchs and Megan etc and it all seemed fairly good. But today I reached a weird new low. I saw someone who was covered and I mean covered from elbow to wrist with scars on both arms, obviously self inflicted and I smiled.
I’ll be the first to admit that was more than a little strange, I mean as an ex self harmer, it was obvious to feel a connection of sorts about being through the same thing to an extent but I smiled as if reminiscing of old times. And the fact of it is, when I really think about it, I enjoyed cutting, taking a blade, or scissors, slicing my skin, seeing the blood trickle out and the suspense of not knowing how long the scars would last. When everything else seemed fucking insane that kept me grounded and secure. It had a hold on me, people get addicted to alcohol, to smoking, to drugs but for me, at the lowest points I was addicted to hurting myself.
But take that away and I’m a wreck. I weaned myself off it a while back and I’m still like fuck what will I do now when I feel shit. I find myself just staring into oblivion at times and coming back to the real world seems so much harsher afterwards, I cry at the stupidest of things and I worry about things which aren’t quite important at the moment of time, like getting old, losing friends, the fear of having no one to love, of not being loved and of never having kids and that scares me the most. With so many people my age or younger having children I worry that I will never be that lucky and at 18 years old, it stresses me out big time.